hour.
mark.
Big Edie: Oh, yes, I did. I did, I had my cake, loved it, masticated it, chewed it and had everything I wanted.
Those who can’t do, teach?
25/04/2009
I was asked to contribute a post for a dating blog [insert laugh here] which ultimately never came to fruition, but I thought the juxtaposition of me attempting to enlighten others on the trials and tribulations of love was too good not to share:
Change is inevitable. It’s not always easy, but I find, more often than not, that it’s for the best. When one of my closest friends jumped the pond because a certain lad made her realize a certain four-letter word was the most important one in her vocabulary, I was gutted. Much like the time I discovered I desperately needed to find alternative dinner options since the entire staff at Cheese Plus had memorized my eating habits. But with the sour comes the sweet. The best part of her departure is that it prompted me to re-evaluate the variables in my life, and I started wondering if my “singledom” was a result of the gods, or my own hand?
An independent lifestyle (read: sans partner) is a fickle fiend. One minute you’re completely content grabbing gimlets with the girls, or staying in to catch up on True Blood; the next you find yourself wondering if fate is ever going to deal you a winning hand as you stalk your newly attached pals’ Facebook pages to try and get a residual high off of their happiness. All of the sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks that an extra blanket doesn’t give you quite the same kind of warmth a spooning arm does.
I decided if she could be bold and throw caution to the wind; then so could I. Instead of waiting in the wings for a guy to notice me, I needed to leap out of my comfort zone and do a little role reversal. For my own romantic sanity, I needed to [gulp] ask someone out. What’s the worst that could happen, I go home alone and full of self-doubt? I just call that, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Perhaps it’s a naïve point of view, but if I hold the power to produce my own outcome, then maybe I’m actually doing something right in all the wrongs I’ve committed because I’m learning from them. And maybe, one day (hopefully in the not so distant future), that four-letter word will take the lead in the dramatic work that is my life.
Update: I’ve had several dates with a strapping young man and I think it’s getting serious.
Update #2: I should probably mention that he’s 5…
fact.
25/04/2009
toilets and I do not get along.
fact.
I once ran over a small child with a golf cart.
fact.
she lived to see another day.
fact.
I have a fantastical imagination.
fact.
I try to root my fantasies in reality so they have the potential of actually coming true.
fact.
a hockey skater skated over my pinkie when I was 6.
fact.
Papa Smurf had to come out on the ice and tell all the kids to disregard the blood, it’s ok to skate.
fact.
I once farted during a fencing lesson.
fact.
It didn’t take away from the fact that it was a great lunge.
fact.
I am the man who will fight for your honor…
wait, no, that’s Peter Cetera.
unbelievable.
25/04/2009
oui.
25/04/2009
with a little bit of gold and a pager.
25/04/2009
he following conversation took place between the hours of 2 and 3pm as Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” flooded the workplace, courtesy of the “All Christmas, All the Time” radio station we’ve been subjected to.
joey: best song ever.
moi: funny, I just watched Love, Actually last night.
lisa: did you just say you got action last night?
moi: I wish.
hand over your heart, let’s go home.
25/04/2009
just another day at the office…
25/04/2009
directed by: jason jurgens
“The Ball Tapper” Starring Moi.
25/04/2009
On September 9, 2008 at approximately 12:11am, I slapped a douchebag in the balls in the depths of Shanghai Kelly’s. I regret nothing…
Witness Testimony:
Sian-
My rundown of the night is as follows:
1. Cheese plate, intro glass of wine
2. Champagne
3. Meet up with Macdouchebag
4. Repeat step 2
5. See lots of people
6. Macdouche keeps taking ‘laps’
7. Repeat step 2
8. Repeat step 2
9. Leave, sans Macdouche
10. Drinks w/ Steven and straight? (really??) gay? Buddy at rye
11. Repeat
12. Repeat
13. Repeat
14. Hunt for Mexican food
15. End up at a thai resto on the border of the Tenderloin
16. Reverse direction for pizza
17. Caitlin refuses the share
18. We knock over some boxes and trash cans
19. Repeat
20. Repeat
21. Repeat
22. Return of Macdouche
23. BALL PUNCHING
24. And then?
Karen-
“It happened so fast! I didn’t really realize what you were doing until after it happened. But here’s what I love, personally, is that upon seeing him walk in, you got OUT of your chair with the SPECIFIC intent of smacking him in the balls. I mean….awesome”
Moi-
Dear Macdouche’s Balls,
Hey dudes, how’s it hanging? Did you catch the Giant’s game? Bummer, right? So I think we got off to the wrong nut the other night…What was intended as a tongue-in-cheek light tap (a genital slap and tickle of sorts) where we all laugh and continue drinking cause I’m just being “quirky Caitlin,” quickly spiraled out of control and morphed into a full on backhanded strike, complete with follow through. I mean, it got ugly real fast, am I right or am I right?…and that’s my fencing arm, so I know it’s stronger. Details aside, I can only hope you went home that night, swollen, wincing, and the only Hardy Boys within a 3 mile radius being clutched in a pain you only wish on your worst enemies, enlightened and appreciative of where I was coming from. If you ever think about treating a lady like that again, remember, I could be quenching my palate at the same watering hole you’re roaming. And I think it’s pretty clear how spry I am.
Okay, great chat! Btw, your commemorative ice pack is in the mail.
Yours truly,
Caitlin Donovan
R.I.P. Paul Newman 1925-2008
25/04/2009
Paul’s wedding gift to Joanne was a silver cup that he had inscribed with the words “So you wound up with Apollo/If he’s sometimes hard to swallow/Use this.”
“He tells the worst jokes. And that wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t keep repeating them over and over.”
-Robert Redford
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
25/04/2009
this is the best email I’ve seen in a LONG time…of course it was for karen.
Subject: paul newman
…he lived in the town that i grew up in. when i was in 3rd grade i saw him in the supermarket. my mother gave me a grocery receipt and told me to get his autograph. he was wearing a silver satin jacket that said “newman’s own” in bright red letters on the back.
as he approached the dairy section, i politely asked him for an autograph. he looked at me in disgust and said:
“kid, i don’t DO autographs.”
then he picked up some mid-market cheese and walked away. (true story)
in other news, i had an mild-to-medium-strength crush on you when I interned. so there’s that…
This is a incredibly drawn out way of saying:
1. Paul newman was awesome.
2. I hope you’re well, karen.
-R
“left a good job in the city…”
25/04/2009
this was:
-10 seconds before we realized we were the only assholes on the river still wearing our life vests.
-30 min before we realized we needed to swap places (apparently, I’m stronger in the rear).
-and about 4 hours before we realized we were going to flip over in front of hordes of people.
Touché.
25/04/2009
moi: “My mom made me feel how soft her face was the other day, she had it threaded in China and was so excited to share.”
lisa: “Ha. I like your mom, she’s eccentric.”
moi: “Where do you think I get it from?”
lisa: “No, you’re MAD. Your mother’s eccentric.”
tip: when your co-worker has a cold sore on her lip and cannot smile due to the pain, make her turn around just as this video us cued up. Hilarity ensues as she tries to keep a straight face.
I’m the devil.
